My anxiety installation/film last year was focused on the sensations i experience while having a panic attack. I wanted to represent a POV view of what it is like when someone is having an attack.
Following on from this idea, i was thinking about how i had focused my attention quite a lot on 'depersonalisation' in anxiety. This is something i experience most times when i panic, and it is something quite horrific in many ways.
"Depersonalization - depersonalisation is an anomaly of self-awareness. It consists of a feeling of watching oneself act, while having no control over a situationSubjects feel they have changed, and the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience, since many feel that, indeed, they are living in a "dream".
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization
It is like having a dream, but it feels a lot more sensory & disorientating. It's like there's snapshots of your life happening, but you have no control over yourself, what you're doing/saying & you can't fully understand anything. It's like seeing and hearing everything inside a cloud, or through a barrier of mist.
I want to be able to present this feeling through visuals and soundscapes. I want to make a film with the structure of normal to full on experience to aftermath. Nothing will fully be able to be recognised, it will all be shot through macro/blurred/bokeh, just enough that you can tell the features of things, but i want it to be disorientating. I want it to jump between situations (because when i am having this feeling, i usually feel like my life, or at least things i've done wrong are flashing in my mind, like fragments of life) through a montage, & through different stages of possible sounds and colours.
At the end, it will cut sharply to a almost blankly shot space, coupled with vibrations reminiscent of complete silence, making the viewer be able to almost feel silence.
This is something that happens to me once i have panicked, i usually feel as though my mind has completely rid itself of all thought, and i feel relaxed but drained, still partly in a dream like state.
the shots will be a mix of body, nature, environments, textures, colours. I want it to be completely void of life, as if everything is being broken down to its core elements. Or as if you're looking through a microscope & feeling everything.
This project will be backed up with research into depersonalisation, but also autism. I feel like it has a good link with sensory overload, something that i have personal links to. It also has linked with drug use, and being on a 'trip' so i will try to bring some possible experiences of that into it too.
Tests
