I think I need to focus more on a definitive word or description for my project, so I am going to do a little brainstorming.

Apprehensive -

Anxious or fearful that something bad or unpleasant will happen.

Trepidatious/Trepidation -

Apprehensive or nervous.

Restless -

Unable to rest or relax as a result of anxiety of boredom.

Uneasy -

Causing or feeling anxiety; troubled or uncomfortable.

Agitated -

Feeling or appearing troubled or nervous.

Fraught -

(of a situation or cause of action) filled with (something undesirable)

Fidgety -

Inclined to fidget; restless or uneasy.

Indecision -

Doubt concerning two or more possible alternatives or courses of action.

the trait of irresolution; a lack of firmness of character or purpose.

Fluctuation -

an irregular rising and falling in the number or amount; a variation.

(fluctuation of the mind)

tentative -

not certain or fixed; provisional.

Ambivalent -

having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone.

Irresolute -

showing or feeling hesitancy; uncertain.

We had a morning of discussing the Graduation Show & our online presence with Rosie.

These both helped me to not only see what everyone else has been doing, but give me more confidence that I am doing a good job with my online presence.

 I do a lot of outside experimentation & i find that it helps me be consistently creative throughout the year as well as documenting my life.

In terms of the Graduation Show, it really helped me as I am one of the only people using the space on a bigger scale. I want to have installation and photography, so it's a big interest in me as to what other people want to do with the space too.

We have had discussions on the possibility of using the KN studio as a make-shift cinema, and I think this is a good idea as I really didn't like W612 last year. Because it was packed, I had to watch films through heads, and also the room is blocked off from the rest of the university so I don't think we are reaching our audiences very well. 

I did possibly want to use the KN for my installation, but I can change and adapt my project for the benefit of the year if need be. We had discussions on me either using part of G03, or splitting the KN into a bigger and smaller part so that I can have my own space. I will need to think of the logistics of this, but I think this could work quite well. 

During this talk, I expressed an interest in becoming a curator for the Graduation Show. I think this would be really beneficial to me as I have a strong interest in the visual impact of the course, and also how we can bring in audiences and basically make our work look the best it can be. This also links with my work and how gallery based my own work is, so if I have a strong creative input into the outcome of the Graduation Show, I have a better sense of what it is I am working with on a personal level, and how it all fits in with everyone else's projects and outcomes. 

I am excited to draw maps and co-ordinate the show, I think that it is something I am really interested to fully get immersed in because the Graduation Show is such a big opportunity, and I think we need to utilize it the best we can! 

After the discussion, I felt a lot more focused on what I need to achieve & what would work best for me. I realized that maybe it would be better to do lots of pilots of all the ideas I have, so that I can have a better understanding of them and then I can reflect on them and decide whether I want to pursue on a bigger scale. Then if I don't create them on a bigger scale, I at least have something to show for myself.

I also have some questions about See You Soon which me and Kathleen discussed, and i'm sure these will be further discussed through Kathleen, Rosie and my group. I need to really focus on what it is I am doing within the group, and just make sure that I am being directed properly because otherwise I feel more stressed and that's never good!

I wrote a lot of reflective notes during the discussion, I feel that it's good to write down what I feel when I feel it, because it's harder for me to think of my approach afterwards quite a lot. I also think it helps me feel more focused. Also in these notes are reflections on projects we were shown. A couple of them gave me little ideas for projects or concepts I like so wrote them down. 

Here are these notes (once again they are broken down because I usually work in short sentences.) -

See You Soon - 

Need to focus more on emotion of the film.

Rehearse before the film, like a play?

Running Machine?

House needs to be thought of element by element.

Personal -

Multi-screen could show my post production skills. Possibly do small versions of all my ideas so that I can focus on it more. 

So - Indecisiveness - me & just me with visuals. 

Nature - do the dawn light one morning.

& Depersonalisation.

Try to do each week/a small amount of time like the everyday vids because I sit on projects & doubt myself. If I make them & they don't feel right to do bigger, I would at least have the smaller projects done. So basically, create & don't sit on it. 

Also start with photography & decide if it's worth it.

if I am creating, it also gives me time to think about what I want. 

Could also do the soundscapes too.

Have done by Dec/Christmas.

Instead of worrying about what I come out with, just create & then evaluate what works for me. Not just uni for my portfolio, can make anything while I can.

So could even re-create stuff I did in the past if it would help.

Starlings could really be pushed to be more beautiful - sound, long shots. 

Think of more aspects of me for film and photos. Reflect on my life? My interests? My morals?

Learning Agreement - Analysing how I will achieve my goals.

If doing my own little projects, find out how much paperwork I will need - risk assessment etc. 

If doing small projects, do need research but will be developing alongside the practical so that I can sculpt a well rounded project.

What does my work mean to other people?

Could think of stylistic stories - Record Player, I love eras, memory of objects.

A room with sounds to show memories?

So instead of a montage, have a flowing story, like the competition. Inspired by the work in the V&A (need the name of it)

Grandma? Or someone to that degree.

Could consider music video or doing a piece to music I have composed.

Still would loveto do something era based, but simple because of the time I have & being on my own (could ask for help if anyone available) - Pride etc.

If historically based, it would be interesting to study.

Would give more relevence to the audience, but depends on what it is and how simple it would be.

Documentary can mean based on true events.

For See You Soon it would be good to be in contact with Jacob. But also do individual tests such as lighting - natural, how women's features look, inside etc. 

This means I would have things to show & add to my own body of work. 

Film on Autism, interviews with dodgy visuals. But good concepts. Works well as it is an interesting subject so just needed better visuals which I would focus on. (this is in reflection to my ideas based on interviews or conversations)

This idea popped into my head just before bed, and it was a reflection on the comment about possibly doing work associated with being indecisive, and having thoughts of doubt and just feeling lost. 

I thought that this concept would be quite fun to work with because it's a very reflective piece of work, it's what I do a lot and it would be interesting to focus on it within art.

I've always been interested in multi-screen installation and I thought that this concept would work quite well with it.

I'm proposing a multi-screen installation showing the insides of someone's mind when they're being indecisive & unable to focus on one clear idea. The multi-screen will work as a way of showing the different elements of your mind in confrontation with each-other. I always feel like my brain is having an argument when I think of projects, and anything in life really. I do think it's associative wih my anxiety, but it's also a universal feeling that everyone experiences. It's the feeling of doubt, of being un-confident. I think it's something that would be understood well by the audience.

The description I have on my phone from when it did pop into my head in bed reads -

"Multi-screen installation based on interviews on people that have doubt/can never make up their minds. Screens will show the indecisive mind, different thoughts. But all work as one when focused."

I haven't decided whether I will actually interview and use the interviews in my work, or whether I will scope the creative and non-creative world interviewing people so that I can form a script or even poetic piece of writing to have as the narrative element of the piece.

It will work more like a structured piece, but the element of multi-screen will give the concept and emphasis of the theme another level. 

I have also thought about how the work will show more of my post-production skills. I am interested to know how I can piece together a multi-screen piece, and I know that in my finished work, the screens will be separate but work together to tell the story. 

In online versions, I want them to be in one line, so I will essentially have two versions, but one for distribution.

What I need to think about:

• The concept a little more, and really define what the feeling of doubt can look like visually.
• Think of the logistics of how I am going to interview people and how I will use their voices visually. 
• The structure my installation will take in accordance with my year group & what they wish to put up at the graduation show. 
• How I will technically achieve my project, and time manage how I will fit this in with my other commitments. 

"Stormwater" 3 screen video art installation by Tom Skipp from estrellasonora - Tom Skipp on Vimeo.


Memory of the Land from Xavier Cunilleras on Vimeo.


PUBLIC SCHOOL x Twin Shadow from Michael Belcher on Vimeo.

I found the assessment to be a lot more calming then most of us. I have got quite used to presenting, even though i'm never perfect at it. I think it's because I know everyone & we're a pretty little group. I also know that I have a good relationship with my tutors, so will usually know what they are going to say before I present so try to make sure I fulfill everything I need to do.

I felt that the See You Soon presentation went better than the Individual, but this is purely because the See You Soon felt more academic. The individual was just me going on about my own doubt and thought processes. But I felt that I did a good job, and now I need to focus on the future.

General feedback/notes I took after -

See You Soon - Don't focus as much on sound, get someone else to focus on it?

They like depersonalisation, but could do in a beautiful way.

Could even do project on being indecisive - interview, abstract. Writing etc.

The struggles of anxiety and being a creative.

Discuss with Nathan/collab? (my housemate came up with a similar idea on not being able to come up with ideas)

Think of any other projects I can do, if possible. 

Speak to Alex about what I am doing and when. 

Contexualise photos more.

Now I need to focus on how my year will look, and then can reflect on this to decide how big my personal projects can be. I am interested in some other projects, but I want to be able to know what it is, how it will benefit me, and whether i can realistically do it while doing See You Soon.

I will contact the other people on the course that need crew and try and gain information from them. I also need to make sure that they are reliable & can work well with me.

I want to have a range of work, so some projects I am apprehensive about, but I will try to evaluate this when contacting them/sorting out everything.

While I am doing this, I will be focusing on my dissertation, and also trying to do little projects here and there. I do a lot of little bits of filming for Youtube, and after a quick chat post assessment with Rosie & Kathleen, I think producing little experiments will help me have a clearer view on what I might want to focus on in a personal project.

I also need to organise what & when I am photographing, if it is focusing on Christmas. I have desires to go back to Lincoln for the Christmas Fair, because I have personal connections, but it all depends on time management and why exactly I plan on going.

If i do this, I will contact the organisers of the fair just to make sure it is ok for me to photograph, and maybe even see if I can be part of the publicity (i can also do this for other events, I have a possible Charity Shop connection to this too)

I've found myself questioning whether I want to do an individual project. I definitely would if i'd had more time, and was more focused on an end goal before now. I want to be able to put 100% into each project, and really know that I have a well rounded theory and practice behind me for each project. At the moment, I am so behind on the individual, it seems like it might never go ahead.

I wish I could have more outcomes, but at the same time, why would I want quantity if i can't have quality?

I also am neglecting my dissertation, so I want to be able to focus fully on that between now and Feb. I am then focusing my attention straight onto See You Soon so i'm not sure where I can fit in a documentary.

I am still going to do photography as I know I can fit it in between projects, but it is sad if i can't do it.

I might see if i can collaborate with anyone else to put a little pressure off me, and help me to be more focused, but for now I am going to present my ideas I have had at the presentation, and ask for advice.

I just want to know i've done my best really.