Thoughout my university life, I've always found it quite hard focusing on 1 thing when I work on my own.

I know it's to do with my anxiety and how my brain feels very muddled most of the time. It's also to do with confidence in myself and my ideas. I don't necessarily find it hard to come up with ideas, although it can sometimes be daunting. It's more the keeping of the ideas that is my problem.

I will like something for a few days, look into it, research, have it constantly on my mind. But once the doubt creeps in, it's hard to keep the idea anymore. The excited feeling is replaced with 'well what's the point?' (not in a giving up way, but more a 'what's the point in this work, what is it saying about me?')

In the second year, I went through so many ideas. I think in the end it was in the 20s just for one term, I spent so much time changing that I lost sight of what I was doing, and I feel like my second year let me down a little. Working on my own has its positives, but being on my own with my own thoughts in terms of projects, It can be very damaging to me.

I found myself talking a little about this with people, and some people understood but some people it seemed were a bit like 'just make up your mind!' which didn't help. I find it hard to make my brain slow down, and I think it is frustrating to people when I try to explain my ideas because they are gone so quickly and I say I don't know a lot.

This happened with my installation ideas. I would keep writing down little ideas that I thought were good, would think a little about concepts, would possibly be a little apprehensive, but excited to explore. Then i'd suddenly stop. Either because the project is too personal, or it feels pointless, or it just doesn't seem to fit my career plan.

University is high pressure, and I know this is also a reason. It's hard to be creative to a deadline, something I know i will need to learn how to handle for the future.

Basically, I found myself talking to my boyfriend about my ideas, and he asked me why I was doing an installation. Just this made me feel that sense of doubt. He wasn't doing it on purpose, he just wondered why I was going down a more experimental/art route, when I speak of going a more mainstream/role route and I understand where he's coming from. It made me wonder what it is I want from this final year, and It really made me question what I had to do as a personal project that I could feel happy with.

It made me realise that I don't want my projects to be personal. Not when it's something that I have to show potential employers and friends & family. I want my work to feel more fun, something that people can have strong opinions on, something that I know will effect people positively. I don't want something that could confuse or disturb. And that's why I decided to step away from my depersonalisation idea. And really away from installation.

I do like installation, I think it's an interesting platform. But realistically, after university, I can't really see myself pursuing that kind of art as a job. I think it's more beneficial to stick to something such as Documentary etc, to show my skills.